


The Umbrella Academy Answers the Web's Most Searched Questions

by The_Real_Squoose



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Gen, autocomplete interview, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:55:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26293747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Real_Squoose/pseuds/The_Real_Squoose
Summary: Allison.   Hi! I’m Allison Hargreeves. (Gestures to Luther.)(A beat.)Luther.   This is the wrong number order--Diego.   Shut up.Luther.   I’m Number One--Klaus.   Bonsoir!Five.   It’s eight in the morning, Klaus.Allison.   Can we start over?*CAMERA CUTS OUT*
Comments: 4
Kudos: 148





	The Umbrella Academy Answers the Web's Most Searched Questions

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Neil Josten and Andrew Minyard do the Autocomplete Interview](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23300887) by [literary_shitstorm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/literary_shitstorm/pseuds/literary_shitstorm). 



Allison. Hi! I’m Allison Hargreeves. (Gestures to Luther.)

(A beat.)

Luther. This is the wrong number order--

Diego. Shut up.

Luther. I’m Number One--

Klaus. _Bonsoir!_

Five. It’s eight in the morning, Klaus.

Allison. Can we start over?

*CAMERA CUTS OUT*

Allison. Hi! I’m Allison Hargreeves, Number Three, and we are the Umbrella Academy. These are my brothers; Luther, Diego, Klaus, Five, and Ben. This is our Autocomplete Interview! So we’ve got a set of questions about--oh yes, thank you. (Accepts the board from staff) Okay.

**\----------**

Umbrella Academy__________

**\----------**

Allison. ‘What is the Umbrella Academy?’

Five. A mental institution.

Klaus. The second circle of hell, not too shabby.

Luther. An organization of _heroes._

Diego. More like dickwads.

Klaus. Ayy! (Holds up hand for Diego.)

Diego. . . .

(Ben high-fives him. Luther stares into the camera.)

**\----------**

Umbrella Academy__________

**\----------**

Allison. ‘Who made the Umbrella Academy?’

Klaus. Reggie old man!

Ben. An alien.

Klaus. Cyborg.

Luther. Our father, Reginald Hargreeves--

Diego. And our mom, she’s pretty cool--

Ben. And Pogo!

Luther. Our _father_ did--

Klaus. --Pogo is a talking gorilla--

Luther. --he found us-- _Pogo is not a gorilla, I_ \--(glares at Klaus and shakes his head) Our father adopted us from all over the globe.

Five. Adoption’s a funny word.

Allison. (Elbowing Five) We’re very happy, we have a great home. 

Luther. Next question.

**\----------**

Umbrella Academy__________

**\----------**

Allison. ‘Did the Umbrella Academy go to Russia’. Yeah, we did. It was I think, three months ago?

Luther. We were asked to be diplomatic facilitators in a public meeting.

Ben. You can watch the video!

Klaus. There’s a compilation of our cool bad guy takeouts on the interwebs.

Luther. There were no _bad guys,_ it was a precarious situation that the U.S. merely wished to assist with.

Klaus. I have your next question--when did you get so many brain cells? And why don’t you use them at home?

Luther. (Clears throat.) This is serious.

Allison. We’re very glad no one got hurt, and we were able to stop any more trouble from happening that day.

(Solemn nods all around.)

Allison. Okay, uh, I don’t know how much you really want to know about that so--

**\----------**

Umbrella Academy__________

**\----------**

Allison. ‘Umbrella Academy powers’? Like, what powers do we each have? Well, I--

Klaus. I demand Ben give a demonstration.

Ben. Hey--

Allison. _I heard a rumor, you all shut up._

(Luther opens and closes his mouth ineffectually.)

Allison. So much better. So that’s my power! Luther, explain what you can do.

(He gestures angrily.)

Allison. Great. I’m sure you’ve read it in all the magazines, but we can explain again. _I heard a rumor, Klaus could talk._

Klaus. Oh, thank the gods. I knew I was your favorite.

(Five bops Klaus on the head. Diego grabs at Allison’s arm. A scuffle breaks out.)

*CAMERA CUTS OUT*

**\----------**

Luther Hargreeves__________

**\----------**

(Everyone either disheveled and grinning or disheveled and disgruntled.)

Allison. So we’re going to skip that question. Next one--

Five. I hate this *REDACTED* family.

Klaus. I’ll drink to that.

Luther. We’re all very happy.

Allison. Did I ask? Take your question.

(She hands the board to Luther.)

Luther. Oh, uh. Well. 

Klaus. Ha-ha! You’re a hit with the ladies, huh?

Allison. ‘Luther Hargreeves girlfriend’.

(A pause. Allison and Luther look at each other. Klaus cackles.)

Diego. He’s a hopeless virgin, next.

(Luther splutters. Diego snatches the board.)

**\----------**

Diego Hargreeves__________

**\----------**

Diego. ‘Does Diego Hargreeves have powers’. What the *REDACTED* obviously I do.

Luther. They’re useless.

Diego. You’re useless!

Klaus. Looky dears, we all know numbers uno and dos have the saddest powers--

(Luther stands up abruptly.)

*CAMERA CUTS OUT*

**\----------**

Allison Hargreeves__________

**\----------**

Allison. Oh! I like this one. ‘Is Allison Hargreeves in a movie’. (Laughs) Yes, I was in a movie. We were only shooting for a few days, but I plan on auditioning for more if I’m allowed to.

Klaus. Is mine next? 

(Allison smacks him in the face with the board. He catches it, grinning.)

**\----------**

Klaus Hargreeves__________

**\----------**

Klaus. ‘Klaus Hargreeves power’. I have mimosas with your grandma every weekend. (Blows a kiss.)

Luther. He means that he has the ability to--

Klaus. Oh my *BLEEEEEEEP* can we have peace? You’re so boring.

Ben. You’re one to talk.

Allison. I hope you’re enjoying this video, as you can see--

(The boys start whispering furiously.)

Allison. --living with five teenage boys is a very unique experience.

**\----------**

Number Five__________

**\----------**

Allison. Five, take your board--

Five. I got it, I got it. ‘Number Five name’. Shockingly, my name is exactly what I have been called in everything ever, *REDACTED*

Ben. Can everyone be a little calmer?

Klaus. _I do not like the energy we have created in the studio today._

Luther. You started it--

*CAMERA CUTS OUT*

**\----------**

Ben Hargreeves__________

**\----------**

Ben. ‘Ben Hargreeves picture’? Uh.

Klaus. Aww, they like your little face. 

Allison. (Reaches to grab his shoulder) Ben is our darling, thank you for appreciating him.

Ben. Here, you can take a screenshot. (He cups his face in his hands and tilts his head dramatically, smiling.)

Klaus. Oh do me! (He joins Ben in posing.)

(Allison follows. Five waves his hand *PIXELATED*.)

**\----------**

Umbrella Academy__________

**\----------**

Allison. Okay! So I think that’s it for the--oh. We have one more. Okay. ‘Does the Umbrella Academy have a. . .seventh kid’.

(A beat.)

Ben. Yeah. We have another sister. She, uh. She doesn’t have powers.

Allison. We all love her though. She’s still part of the family, she just doesn’t do the--you know, interviews with us.

(A beat.)

*CAMERA CUTS OUT*

Allison. Okay! So that’s all for our Autocomplete Interview. Thanks for tuning in.

Diego. Hopefully, you make some serious cuts.

Allison. (Laughs.) Yeah, sorry.

Klaus. Not sorry. You love us.

(A beat.)

Klaus. *BLEEEEEEEEP*

Everyone. _Klaus!_

_*_ END SEQUENCE*

**Author's Note:**

> ~Allison was made group representative for interviews after Luther proved to be too awkward
> 
> So uhhh I read a hilarious series with different interview formats and wanted to do an Umbrella Academy one. Aftg fans check out the inspiration! Idk if ya'll found this funny but I enjoyed it so :)) thanks for reading!


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